Don't you hate it when people post sob-story Facebook status'? There are several people on my friends list who are always posting the "poor me" attitude in some form or another. I hate it.
I despise it. It's so negative and unnecessary! I often wish that my phone app had a
REMOVE FRIEND option, but it doesn't. By the time I use the computer for Facebook, I forget and just never do it. Blehhh....
Well, I did it tonight. I posted a sob story for the first time, in a long time. I know, such a hypocrite!
This is my post: No matter the distance, no matter the time between, I would give anything to be important to you and share life with you again for just a little bit. But I finally realize after many attempts, you must not feel the same way, and I have to learn to be okay with that, even if it's completely breaking my heart.......
Not a proud moment, but a very juvenile moment, which matches my emotions to a T right now. So I just did it, and I don't care. I even went so far as to make it vague as to not shed light on who it involves, even though I know a certain few will completely get it. And I don't care.
My high school best friend completely screwed our plans up again, tonight for the hundredth time in the last few years. The plan starts out with, "I'm coming to Fort Wayne and I'm going to make sure I spend at least a couple hours hanging out and spending time with you because I miss you so much!" As the time draws closer (like, day of), it turns into, "Well, maybe I can stop by, or you can come see me?" By the time that plan is re-designed, my life has gone 18 different directions trying to adjust to what the original plan was in the first place, so I can no longer accommodate the "fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants-method" of planning which takes place between the priority schedules of everyone else.
Tonight, as my husband puts it, was the straw that broke the camels back. She changed plans on me, and I'm not doing it anymore. I'm so tired of not being important enough, that my emotions are rolling, again.
I have loved that girl since the day we met in 7th grade science class when she borrowed my chapstick and she gooped it up so bad, I didn't even ask for it back. She was silly, and sweet, and I was.... well, lost. I needed an optimistic approach to life, and she offered just that. We grew to be inseparable, and we shared EVERYTHING. We lived across the street from each other and we talked about everything from boys to homework, we had talent shows in the basement, we did color guard in the dark in the driveway, we took backroads to smoke cigarettes on our way home from track practice, we did cheerleading together, we drank wine coolers at the bonfire and thought we were drunk, we went skinny dipping in my mom's pool, we learned how to drive together on our way to tan for prom, we went to prom together, we played stupid card games in the middle of the night while farting and talking about sex. We stayed on the phone for hours when she moved to CA, I named my child after her, and through all of that, we promised to always be friends. She moved from CA back to IN, and only 2 hours away from me. In my eyes, 2 hours of driving was better than a 4 hour, $400 flight! I was thrilled. I drove down once every month or every other month and we spent many nights drinking, laughing, sharing stories, eating, shopping, going to movies and telling each other all of our thoughts and dreams. She supported me when I was lonely, dumb, or both and I supported her through a crazy boyfriend and after that, when her husband spent 9 months in Irag. We were a team, and through everything we had done already, I always saw us that way. When she called to tell me she married in Vegas, I wasn't thrilled for me because I missed it, but I sure was happy for her. She did what she wanted, and I envied her guts.
As I write this tonight, I have not seen her in almost 6 months, and I have not met her child who was born almost a year ago. I was the last to find out when her daughter went into the hospital with a life threatening condition. I have offered to come see her knowing how difficult it is to travel with a new baby, and I have yet to find out when it will work for her schedule. You'd think that persistence would meet either agreement or objectivity, but I have received mixed signals the entire time. I've drowned out a few other close friend's ears and phones with my tears of questioning. (I've actually probably just pushed them away in the process!) I've often asked why I'm still feeling the distance even though it seemed far less when she lived in CA, and I cannot find the answer. When I finally have enough courage to say to her, "Why is our friendship this way?", I get the understandable, "I'm busy", "I'm working so much", "I have no time to see my husband", but I also hear about how much fun it is to have friends over and all about their friends lives. Case in point, I'm hurt! I'm confused, and I'm tired of looking like some emotional drama queen. I give a shit about it, and it's getting me no where except Misery Lane. So, tonight she asked via text that I come to her parents home where the rest of her family was celebrating Easter. My response was this: I really want to see you and the baby, but I know you are visiting with family, and I don't want to intrude on that. You guys have a nice evening, and perhaps we'll try again sometime soon.
Then I realized that I'm doing the same thing she's been doing to me, that we promised we would never do. I was sugar-coating and covering up how I really felt. So, since I was feeling like an emotional teenager, and I knew that I couldn't compose myself well enough to call, I worked up the courage to be the true friend I always said I would be, and this was my next text message to her, verbatim:
"(Sorry I had to text, but I'm too upset to talk. You wouldn't be able to understand my words.) My feelings are hurt and I can't keep going through this. I have said I will come visit, you just tell me when. You have yet to tell me a good time. Then I talk to you, and you reassure me that all is fine and you're just busy. You said you would make time this weekend, and when I call to nail it down, you don't respond. When you call this morning, you tell me we can get together for maybe an hour, and I need to come to where your whole family is and if I get an hour, just really want to spend it with you and our girls. Call me selfish, but I've tried to make it easy and come to you as I have many times, but it's becoming clear that it's just not a friendship that you value right now. I always end up with my feelings being hurt, and I care about you so much that I keep giving you the benefit of the doubt hoping our chance will come and it never does. I love you and the memories we share, but it's clear that theres no room for our friendship in your life. I hope that we get a chance to spend time together again and talk about all of the good times we had as cute bodied, big dreaming teenagers. I wish you well, and I'll always love you girl."
I bawled my eyes out as my husband held me while I worked up the courage to hit send. It sounds dramatic and ridiculous, but in my mind, I was about to let go of the last 15 years of friendship, because I needed to, and I knew it. So many things had happened and so many things had not happened, that I just couldn't take it anymore.
What was her response, you wonder? "All I said was I could not come to you would u come to me?"
I didn't even respond. CLEARLY there is a severe disconnect, and it's time for me to stop bearing the heavy load and put my cherished "friend energy" into those who reciprocate the love that is to be shared between friends, no matter the space or time.
It's not easy, I'm hurting big time. I called my mother and she practically cried with me because my friend was like another daughter to her, and she knew that I ached.
I truly hope that someday when life slows down, that we can re-connect. For now, I can't keep getting so darn excited and then having to deal with the rejection, because that's exactly how it feels.
